


May The Most Disturbed Win

by Drarrymadhatter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cards Against Muggles, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:55:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26292241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drarrymadhatter/pseuds/Drarrymadhatter
Summary: It's Sunday dinner at the Burrow and the majority of the Weasley's and Harry are in attendance. Instead of their usual after dinner games, they start to play Cards Against Muggles.
Kudos: 8





	May The Most Disturbed Win

May The Most Disturbed Win

It was Sunday and the weekly Weasley family evening was in full swing. There were far less people there than usual, what with Arthur and Percy working overtime in their various Ministry roles. That combined with Charlie overseeing the Hungarian Horntail breeding season and Fleur nursing her and Bill's youngest daughter through a nasty bout of chickenpox, meant that there were more helpings to be had.

Everyone who could make it was slumped one way or another at the dinner table, full to bursting, having had second and third helpings of everything Molly had cooked for them. Harry had particularly overindulged on the treacle tart Molly had made especially for him.

"Exploding snap anyone?" asked Ron, who had eaten more than anyone else and somehow still managed to look the least sluggish.

"Are you mental?" complained Harry. "No sudden movements or I'll be sick."

"How about chess?" Ron loved an excuse to break out the chess board, if he could find someone willing to lose to him, that was.

"What's the point? You'll just win." Bill looked the most relaxed, his scarred face serene as he shrugged lazily at his younger brother.

"Well, it seems like it's lucky that I thought to bring these along!" With that, George dumped a long heavy box onto the table top. "Cards Against Muggles! Fun and no need to move! It's a win win!"

"What _are_ Cards Against Muggles, dear?" enquired Molly warily. "It doesn't seem very inclusive, does it?"

"Not everything has to be a political statement, mum. Who's in?"

After everyone had nodded their assent, some more cautiously than others, George opened the box and started to distribute the cards.

"It's all very simple. We all get a bunch of white cards and the first player, who is the last person to have pooped, turns over a black card and places it in the middle where everyone can see it. You need to use your white card to fill in the blanks. The more rude or crazy the better. We don't know who plays which card, as we place them down face first. Once everyone's played, the person who played the black card reads them all out and picks the best one, and they get a point. Then we find out who played what. The person with the most points at the end of the round wins." He gathered up his own small pile of white cards and grinned. "Any questions? No? Then, please announce to the room at large when you last took a shit."

Harry surveyed the assortment of expressions displayed, noting how they ranged from highly amused, in the case of Bill and Ginny, to the downright mortified blushes of Molly and Hermione.

"Now really, George!" admonished Molly breathlessly.

"What sort of question is that?" gasped Hermione, horrified. "I'm not answering that. It's ridiculous and personal and the only reasonable time to ask such a question would be during a medical examination, thank you very much!"

"This morning at 7am!" announced Harry almost proudly. "I'm a morning pooper, after my coffee."

"Hmmm, yes I remember from times long past." Ginny scrunched her pretty face up at the memory. "Which is why I tend to poop at night before bed."

"This morning for me too, somewhere around 7ish," shared Bill, grinning at his Mother's flushed face.

"Ah well, if everyone else is announcing it...this morning around 5am." Molly's face was now beetroot and her breaths were fast with excited shame.

"Well done, mum! However, since Hermione refuses to answer, I must assume that I am the most recent pooper," revealed George cheerfully, "having done so around lunch time today after an unfortunate experiment with a new product line."

"Too much information! Really, you'll make everyone sick!" Hermione continued to glare at George, regardless of the tittering and chuckling at her words.

"Ok, ready everyone?" George reached out and selected a black card from the deck, placing it face up in the middle of the table. "Oh, this one looks good. _Gryffindors are well known for _._ Ok everyone, play your best cards and may the most disturbed of us all win!"

Harry looked at the cards in his pile and thought about which one would win him the game. The sure winner in his pile was _using a broom as a dildo_ , but was he brave enough to play it with Molly sitting nearby? As he contemplated his selection, everyone slowly, one by one, placed their cards face down in a pile next to the black card. Aware that he was holding everyone up, Harry quickly made a random choice and threw down his card.

George, seeing that everyone had played their card, picked up the pile, shuffled them, and then turned them face up one by one to read out the results. Harry couldn't help but grin at his sure win.

"Ok, first up, _Gryffindors are well known for_spiking the pumpkin juice._ Not bad, and likely true. Next, _Gryffindors are well known for _snorting Floo powder to go on a mental journey_. Have to say, I've never tried that…Third, _Gryffindors are well known for_terrorising sheep._ I wish you all to know I personally take offence at that. Never once have I terrorised a sheep! Then we have, _Gryffindors are well known for _using a broom as a dildo._ " George's eyebrows raised slightly in surprise. "Does anyone here need to confess to this particular kink? No? Ok then, moving on. _Gryffindors are well known for_having to explain why you used an engorgio on your dick._ Now, that's fucking hilarious! Lastly, _Gryffindors are well known for_Polyjuice potion_. Ok, that's the worst of the bloody bunch. Let me guess, Hermione?"

"What?" demanded Hermione, face flaming with embarrassment as everyone had a good laugh at her predictable play. Harry wasn't surprised at all. Hermione didn't do well with what she deemed private matters in public settings. "It's a valid answer to fill in the blank. Not everything has to be x-rated, George!"

"Ok, ok, I think the answers are mostly awesome (causing Hermione to glare daggers at him) and all deserve merit. However, the clear winner has to be whoever played the interesting engorgio card! I'm guessing you Ron? No? Bill? Harry?"

"I think you'll find that's _my_ card, dear," smiled Molly, rendering everyone at the table temporarily gobsmacked.

"Mum!" breathed George, looking at his mother with something akin to respectful reverence, "how the hell did you manage to win that?"

"Simple life experience, dear," smiled Molly as she tucked the black card at the bottom of the deck and selected a new one for them to play. "When I was dating your father, we borrowed a book from one of his friends on magic in the bedroom, and—"

"No! Absolutely not!" screeched Ron, his hands swiftly flying up to cover his ears. "I do not need to hear this!"

"Mum's turn," called Bill, trying to get everyone to control their shocked giggles and focus on the new card his mother had placed on the table.

"Okay," grinned Molly, "the new card is _Accio_!_ And make it good. I'm not easily shocked!"

Harry snorted into his hand of cards and looked over his choices. His eyes narrowed devilishly as he selected _freckled testicles_ and placed it face down on the table. True, it was a risky card to play, but considering his present company, how could he not? He settled back in his chair and waited for the others to play their cards. This, he decided, was going to be good.


End file.
